#7 Prepare Yourself for Fame

This thing to do brings to mind images of 'celebrities' doesn't it? I read recently that school's career advisors are now having to listen to young girls bleat on about their aspirations to become a WAG when they grow up. (For those who don't know, WAG stands for Wives And Girlfriends - of footballers. So, actually it would be impossible to be a WAG as the acronym is pluralistic....) Quite apart from the tragic blow this aspiration strikes to feminism (really ladies, you desire to be defined and identified solely by the man you marry?!) one of the main purposes of being a WAG is to be famous without having to be good at anything. Except shopping and looking pretty.

It appears to me that there are two ways of looking at fame. 1) Fame as an end in itself, regardless of whether you have a talent or skill worthy of recognition (and we can all think of 'celebrities' like that can't we?) or 2) Fame as a result, by-product even, of being an exceptional human being in one field or another. The book doesn't seem to distinguish between the 2 and allows for the reader to become famous in either fashion. Let's assume that I'm not the sort of person who is interested in being famous for the sake of it,(which I'm not, incidentally) but that I will, one day be a household name. The book asks how I predict I will achieve fame. I don't think this is any time to be humble, so I'm going to shamelessly address my talents. I will become the first female whistling aficionado. I'm really good at whistling. The husband loves it when I whistle along to the Coronation Street theme tune. The world is ready for the next major whistling talent and I reckon it's going to be me. So, when will I achieve this fame? 2012 - in time for the Olympics. My whistling will form the basis of the British Olympic celebratory song, and it will go straight to No 1. I will whistle the national anthem at the Opening Ceremony and the world will sing along.

So, how will this fame affect me? Well, I will obviously be rich. All the major recording artists in the world will want me whistling on their tracks. I will have a house in Beverley Hills, for when I need some sunshine. And I will also have a lovely big house somewhere in the UK. Maybe more than one. Why the hell not? The book wants to know how many servants I will have. 2 obviously. 1 to clean and 1 to help me stay organised and on top of all my public appearances. Will I have a stage name? No. I like the one I've got thanks. Which celebrity will I marry? Well, I think I'll keep the husband I've got, he's pretty fab, even though he's not a celebrity. What type of car will I drive? I'll probably have a lush VW Beetle which has been lovingly restored, a Pagani Zonda - cos they are gaw-jus and a reliable old Land Rover for the husband. Pets and children? 2 of each. Rabbit and guinea pig, son and daughter. I mean let's face it, we're pretending here right? I can have what I like!

What title will I be given by the Queen? Lady Helen of Whistleton. Yes, they will have created a place named in honour of my talent. And what age do I think I'll live to? 150. No sweat. Whistling keeps you young.

Here's my autograph - take note, you'll be seeing this a lot when my perfume, clothing and footwear ranges are launched.